crushed like an ant hill

As I walked in the doors, I was told that my job today would be to venture in the terribly large world where the office supplies are kept-staples. My favorite part of the job description. Not long after this sentence, I learn that I am to take my replacement with me. No biggie. I figured I would show him just how fun this magical place can be...

After skipping merrily to the car in my business skirt and high heels, the first thing he tells me after shutting my door rather angerly...'You know, I was really hoping to get outta here by four'...'Oh, I'm sorry...We'll get in and out as fast as we can, promise.'
Shortly down the road my mood slowly digresses as there are comments dropped left and right:
'Green light', he tells me not but one second after it turns green.
'Are you sure you want to take Kimball?' after I have already merged onto the road.
'There is a cop on your left' as the police man turns left and is driving away from us.
'I'm curious how you will get there from here-really?'-one block away from our destination...

...On the way back from our great adventure, I decided the radio is a good idea. Brilliant. We had a wonderful five minute joy ride listening to the great chumbawumba. I started to talk about how great 90's alternative was and how I feel good music like this just isn't around as much any more. There was a song that came on (which was Brand New) and for a brief moment I thought it was Mates of State. I simply asked if he knew the band. His response, though short, was deadly-'...I don't like music.'


...'wait...aaany kind of music?'
'-no-I don't like music'.



Silence.



He then started to talk about food. Turns out-he loves it. Pizza to be exact. For what seemed like hours, all he could talk about was pizza. His face lit up, much like mine did for music. Right before we pulled into the office he asked if I had ever tried the chocolate dipping sauce at Pizza Hut. My mind was reeling and in shock that I had just met someone who DIDN'T like ANY kind of music. Before I could ever realize what I was saying the words slipped out before I could control myself 'I HATE pizza AND chocolate'...

I have crushed someones dreams today.
I feel bad.

..curs in the weeds..

Ninth Month Pre-Trial Run

...Preliminary 2009 Halloween Costumes, Round One: Alex Trebek / Sherry (Sherlock) Holmes/ African Elephant / Chimney Sweeper / Carmen Sandiego / A Sunflower

My Weekend...

Illness Chart
------------------------

Kleenex's: 2 boxes
Toilet Paper (because I ran out of Kleenex's): 1 roll
Orange Juice: 1 carton
Seven Up: Sonic loves me.
Hand Sanitizer: 1 little small tubbey
Airborne: It's gone.
Total Sleep Hours Since Friday: 43
Videos Watched: 6
Photo Shoots: 1
Grey's Anatomy Catch Up: all of season five-backwards.
Currently: MTV's True Life: My life on the Border, followed by True Life: My life as Gamer.
Sneezes: Too many to count.


.sneezes.

.Closer to not the same.

I realize my new picture is quite large. I like it that way.
This is my backyard...my home. My comfort.
Welcome.

I feel that the topic upon graduation of city vs. hometown is a tad on the cliche side. Yet...here I sit, nowhere near graduation and caught up in the question of-is the reason that I long for home so much because it is where my roots are...or is it where I am to make my start yet again...? I grew up my whole life with the concept that 'townies' were worthless. Those who stayed straight after high school were never really living-which is false on so many levels that I wish I could go back and justify those comments that I have heard for years...but I can't. There are moments when I really am jealous that I have moved on from where I was raised. I feel that I have started new here in this overcrowded young adult town where we all feel that we are on top of the world. It's scary...

A dear friend once wrote to me and said that at times he feels we are lucky to live here-after living in a large city, he loves the fact that here, where the historic rolling prairies and flint hills are embedded forever, here is where he can truly feel close to the earth and close to real people.

There are phases of life, it is a process. I can't help but wonder if my beautifully producing yet stagnantly running life has hit a bump where it needs a new part transitioned out for something different...not extremely new, not complex...just different from the one now. Different so that my life can be ever more beautifully producing and consistently running so that I can really and truly feel close to the earth again...
Is that physically here, waiting to roll over this invisible bump...?
Or somewhere metaphorically near...?





"Hold onto these memories, the ones that drive you away, sing until your heart hurts, and then sing some more, don't stop singing until you see the shore, sing it loud and clear...cause I promise you, the whole world will hear you sing..."
Thank you for posting this song luke.

I went out past the willow and the world...

I want to go to paris. Someday...someday I will travel. My bags will be packed, the cat will be fed, garden watered, and destinations ahead. I will go with a purpose though, rather than just to wander. I need purpose. I will...collect rare buttons from each city or village I visit whereupon I will find homebodies who live in that city who, just so happen, to be missing a button on their shirt. I will sew it on for them so they can button their shirt. Purpose.
...maybe I'll work on what my purpose will be in my 'soon to be' travels.

I'm going to start carrying spoons, a bass, and a baritone with me everywhere I go.
I don't need to travel for that.



Thoughts:
-How cool is it that we are able to share our gifts and talents with ANYONE (this is a constant thought I have). More so, the abundance we are capable of sharing with EVERYONE.
-I love harmony, more than ever. I always have...but my goodness do I mean it when I say that it is beautiful-in more ways than just the obvious.
-Blessings in life are everywhere. It's not something you need to seek out or wait to find, just open your eyes and whatever you first see is a blessing, no matter the object or person. Everything-everything is a blessing. Take account. Take it in. Take advantage of the beauty while it's...well, while it's so beautiful.
-...'I'm so blessed to have spent the time, with my family and the friends i have in
my short life, i have met so many people i deeply care for.'


'I'm so blessed to have spent the time, with my family and the friends i have in
my short life, i have met so many people i deeply care for.'

Conference Call...Analyzing Game Night?

"I love my employees even though i hit one of you with my car. For which I take full responsibility. Look, I'm just trying to take everybody's mind off this unavoidable tragedy and on to more positive things. So, I thought we should plant a tree"-Michael. The Office.

We all do little things in our lives that display characteristics of ourselves. Michael's are not only entertaining Office quotes on my desk-day-to-day calendar that I love so much, but he also teaches us not to be an egotistical asshole boss who has low social skills.

I'm taking this class on games-quite literally. During class we...well, we...play. That's about it. "Playing games expanded people's grasp of human nature in general and their particular group's dynamics. But even more, watching people play revealed a depth of information about them, and about the world at large, that you would ordinarily expect only from months of official therapy. Every game is a social world unto itself. What every great game does is take the bad stress of socializing out of the social situation, while leaving the good stress, the frisson of competition-and by imposing structure or protocol on the interaction to take place, a structure that removes the often-paralyzing onus of social improvisation from the players" (Wanna Play? By: Jay Teitel).

I strongly feel that upon finishing this class...Go Fish or Clue will no longer be favorites of mine where I am able to relax and play without analyzing every move the other players make. "Your action will be determined by strategy and personality"(Teitel). What a way to spend a relaxing evening-judgment and analyzing of my every move...no thank you. This is why I avoid that sheep and wood game...Settlers of Catan.


Scruples.
A Question of Scruples is a game which was invented and does not inherit the qualities of being an anti-anxiety game. Scruples, that came from Britain, had a very ill-fated, and short lived life.

However, it was a top-ten hit in North America that has sold over seven million copies! Woo. Reason being: Scruples is an ethical-judgment game where players evaluate each other's moral qualities. The success it held in America and that soon also had an ad campaign, was the exact opposite in Britain. Complaints from every which direction were appearing concerning the 'discomfort' and even domestic discord that the game was causing. 'What had been titillating on one side of the Atlantic was offensive on the other' (Teitel)...what does this tell you about our society?

Maybe I just have horrible strategy, maybe I just enjoy a quiet game of Go Fish or Scrabble for a reason, but, like I said...no matter how interesting I find this class and no matter how much fun I really will have playing and interacting with other people for a whole two hours a week...Games will just never be the same to me ever again come the end of this spring.

there will be a day...

Most mornings I awake with some sort of a song playing over and over in my head. The majority of the time, it's a worship song-which is awesome. This morning it was Jeremy Camp's 'There will be a day'. Dude, awesome song. Talk about truth.

'There Will Be A Day I try to hold onto this world With everything I have But I feel the weight of what it brings And the hurt that tries to grab The many trials that seem to never end His word declares this truth That we will enter in this rest With wonders anew But I hold onto this hope And the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering There will be a day with no more tears No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day When the burdens of this place Will be no more We'll see Jesus face to face but until that day We'll hold onto You always. I know the journey seems so long You feel you're walking on your own But there has never been a step That you've walked out all alone. Troubled soul don't lose your heart, Cause joy and peace He brings And the beauty that's in store Outweighs the hurt of life's sting. But I hold onto this hope And the promise that He brings That there will be a place with no more suffering...There will be a day with no more tears No more pain, and no more fears There will be a day When the burdens of this place Will be no more We'll see Jesus face to face...But until that day
We'll hold onto You always...'

I love this song a great deal, mainly because it's amazing-but more so, because it really is truth. The first time I heard it, I didn't even necessarily corrilate it to my own life. I mean, it was significant to me and experiences when I have almost just wanted to throw up my hands and say 'dude, I'm done-this is too much'...but I feel we all have similar moments in life like that...

So I guess my prayer is that, we as a body can not only have community that brings those who are in need of love, support and comfort but also to share as much wisdom as we can and to truly be accountable and stick with this promise. More so, to truly try our very best each and every day with each and every opportunity granted to us to show as much love and compassion as Christ did. This weekend, the idea was presented to us about the Eucharist...what if we were to, quite literally, live our life out as the Eucharist? What if we were to 'break our bodies open' and pour out ourselves in love and service? What would the world look like? I mean for real... "This is how we know what love is" -1 John 3:16

There is always this endless process of pouring out and taking in.
.service. faith. boldness. vulnerability. accountability...love.

.love wins.
'Be one in spirit and purpose...not only your own interest, but the interest of others...' -phil 2:3




--this morning, i also grabbed my alarm clock, put it up to my ear and slurred out 'good morning,(insert the place of business where i work), this is erica can i help you?'. i then turned off my alarm, and went back to bed.

two weeks notice

6 degrees...six degrees...SIX degrees-dude, seriously?!? ski resorts are shutting down.
i don't want to get out of bed. at all.
so, here i sit/lay-watching the news under the comfort of my comfy comfy comfy and warm comforter...i compleely just nodded off there for a good twenty minutes.

the news in the morning reminds me of home. back in the day, the news was always on in the mornings while my brother and i were up lazy eyed and shuffling our feet, preparing for the day. we never really absorbed much except for bits and pieces of the cool excerpts. such as-> iphone users: there is an inaguration button that tells you the count down as well as a button that will tell you how far you are from the steps of the capital-as well as where parties are going on. thank you 27 news.

it will be sooo nice to sleep in one more hour here in two weeks. so nice.



jan21 lost returns.

Does this desk need me?

The ah-ha moments in life are unexpected and sometimes, quite literally, take your breath away. Mine are sometimes far and few between, but like a full moon, when they happen, I can't help but take notice of how large and significant they can be.

I realized today, about ten minutes ago, that I'm not suppose to be where I am right now. I'm sitting in this office, thinking that I love it and thinking that I am supposed to be here helping this business in their time of need. I still feel that I am needed, but not for long. I had a strong pull a few moments ago that I just wanted to go into my managers office, give my two weeks notice, say goodbye to Manhattan and go somewhere that is in dire need of help-not pushing papers to help a few extra hands free up.

Maybe the trip this weekend has stired my heart to serve in ways and places where I never have before and this is just a jumping off point of excitement. Maybe I am angry because my boss just pulled me into her office and, because she neglected to tell me 6 months ago, I have been working nine hour days which she can't pay me for. Maybe I have finally reached my 'nice' point with this job and have hated it all along. Maybe I'm being silly, tired, and frustrated because I have not had a break since high school graduation and just miss my bed...Though, maybe, just maybe...I'm not as tired and worn as my body is telling me and I really am being strongly called to walk strongly and boldly somewhere else in this beautiful world...