Re Arranging

It's been said that time is of the essence. I've never been so keen to understand this until recently. It has also recently occurred to me that not only is there no better time than the present, but there is also no better time than to take inventory on yourself.

One of the better things in life that you can do for yourself, is to learn how to eloquently balance the ability to give and receive. In my opinion, there is no real successful way to go forward until you realize where you have been and where you currently stand.

There is no better example of this than my life as of late. Meshing and squeezing and stacking things one on top of the other. When growing up, and even to this day, the nagging that I hear is constantly 'DON'T STUFF, THERE IS A PLACE FOR THAT! Erica, don't just hide the mess, deal with it now, put it where it needs to go, not in that drawer.' Moms do know best. They really really really do.

Passions, jobs, priorities-all worthy of time, but what to give and what to give up? It's tricky. There is a balance. There is that lesson that most learn early on of what is needed and what is just...'just'. I have to keep re-learning this. I'm ok with that. It is a process, as all things are. However, the product of this particular process, feeds that hunger with ease. It's nice. Things are simpler. It's like a pretty pottery barn white washed country kitchen. Everything is where it should be. Organized. Placed. Set, ready to be used when needed, knowing where everything is and how it should be used.

άπαγε

...divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love... άπαγε



'No one's ever gonna love you as much as I do...' Band of Horses.

ΙΧΘΥΣ

lets go.

Spring Showers

“If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.” Nadine Stair




IN the words of a good friend
"Nadine-girl you crazy, it's sicles and snow outside, 'frosty the nadine' is what i say'.

Busy March.

More to come
Spring has sprung.
My show is done.
Harry Potter's on all weekend long.

Coin Operated

I have never been to Vegas...but I want to go.
Just for the water.

I'll take all of my coins with me and put them in the fountain, like a juke-box.
...Is that how these things work?



'Wait...where did all your money go?'
'Oh, don't worry about it, I spent my whole vacation watching H20 perform an operated choreographed kick line. Time of my life'.

A Collection of Catch-Up

...My Amish bread...failure.
The bag is still sitting on my desk. Life became way too busy way too fast and it was set aside. I will make it this week...in hopes that it is still good...the bad doesn't rise anymore. So-I don't know about that one. At least I won't have to worry about it exploding anymore. That was a fun experience.

The decision has been made today, March 3, 2009, that I...am not a hat person.
As much as I try, hats just do not look good on me. Though, I will still wear them-I am not one to go without warmth covering my head on these freezing Kansas days. That's crazy. They will just not be a 'fashionable item' in my wardrobe. I'm ok with this. It doesn't matter to me so much. Though...there is still a small part of me that wishes I could pull off a beanie or two.

On these 'freezing Kansas days', the decision has also been made that my Christmas list should be made much earlier next year. I need to give santa some time to search for long johns for me, or better yet, a onesie. We could even venture in this endeavor together. What I wouldn't give to lounge around in a onesie on a day like today. Especially since after oversleeping, I roll over to find this on my phone: 'Hey, our 9:30 and 1:30 are canceled today...' 'Wait, what? BOTH of our only classes today are canceled!?' "yeap."...awesome. After hearing this, you can only imagine that I did what any other college student would do at this time. I rolled out of bed, stumbled down the stairs where there was coffee and an omelette with cinnamon to be made and the 'The Early Show' to be watched...it was awful. The omelette was fantastic...tv, awful. I should have just gone back to bed then to listen to the gossip of the world. Really, I couldn't have cared less if 'she' is with 'him' and 'she' wore this dress to 'his' opening and went with 'the other guy' and 'the other guy' is irate and went off and did 'this and that' with 'her' while 'she' was off with 'the other other guy' and 'the other other guy' was in rehab...really?! REALLY...?

My blogs are progressively becoming more and more personal and journal-like.



I wish I knew how to play the mandolin.



In other news, my show is this weekend. March 6,7,8. 7:30 (Fri/Sat). Sunday 2:30 (Talk back to follow). It's free. Little Theatre, Union. 'MS: My Secret'. This play, written and directed by a dear friend and newly diagnosed victim of MS, tells a collection of beautiful and truthful stories of men and women from all ages and backgrounds who have been diagnosed and suffer as well as victoriously triumph thorough the disease of Multiple Sclerosis.

It is also MS awareness week .

Today we learned of Hannah and her son's birth, Samuel...

'Corbin', what are you thankful for?'
'Race cars, clouds and the color red...vlllrrrrrrruuuuuuuum vlurm vlrurm rum rurrrrrm'

'Sarah', what are you thankful for?'
'My cat-she threw up this morning before we left-YOU KNOW, my dad told me not to tell anyone the words that he said'.

'Ali', what are you thankful for?'
'FIRE!'...

'Dave', what are YOU thankful for?'
'--'
'Dave. What are you thankful for?'
'---'
"DAVE, you with me buddy? There you go, what are you thankful for?'
'...(takes his finger out of his nose and lifts his prize high and mighty...)'
"...thank you 'Dave'.

I am almost embarrassed to share this...

Everyday, people loose things.
Everyday, people find things.

Today...when looking for a planner I lost, I found a zip drive keychain thing that I had lost from...I want to say late middle school, early high school. Oh, I also found my planner. Lucky.

Today, I realized that I had also lost my mind that year.
I found a lot of really interesting files with papers, ideas, journals...and then I found this (please excuse the spelling, grammatical, and idiotic errors...I wanted to leave it in tact as it was when written years ago)...

"The scene opens with little man dressed in a banana costume standing downstage left holding a sign that says “applause”. He resembles the attitude of a jester or a labradore retriever. The audience applauses and the curtain opens as he exits stage left. Appearing on stage are twelve tap dancers, they sing, the music begins...Rockappela’s version of Bohemian Rapsidy.

tap dancer 1: galleleo
tap dancer 2: galleleo (echo’s-deep voice)
tap dancer 3: galleleo
tap dancer 4: galleleo (echo’s-deeper voice)
tap dancer 5: galleleo figero
tap dancer 6: and if he goes
tap dancer 7: go
tap dancer 8: go
tap dancer 9: go
tap dancer 10: go
tap dancer 11: go
tap dancer 12: I’m just a poor boy
tap dancer 4: nobody loves me
tap dancer 7: he’s just a poor boy
tap dancer 9: from a poor family
tap dancer 12: spare him his life
tap dancer 2: from this monstrosity
tap dancer 5: this awful travesty
tap dancer 10: easy come
tap dancer 1: easy go
tap dancer 6: will you let me go?
Tap dancer 9: they say no, we will not let you go
Tap dancer2: let him go
Tap dancer 11: they say no, we will not let you go
Tap dancer 4: let him go
Tap dancer 14: they say no, we will not let you go
Tap dancer 7: let me go
Tap dancer 6: we will not let you go
Tap dancer1: let me go
tap dancer 8: we will not let you go
tap dancer 4: they will never
tap dancer 7: never
tap dancer 11: never let me go
tap dancer 12: go
tap dancer 1: go
tap dancer 10: go
dap dancer 2: go
tap dancer 5: no
tap dancer 12: no
tap dancer 3: no
tap dancer 5: no
tap dancer 9: no
tap dancer 994: no
tap dancer 6: no
fat Mexican tap dancer : mama mia mama mia let me go
skinny French tap dancer: belezabub has a devil set aside for me
nerdy tap dancer: for me
tap dancer that looks like a mouse: for me…!!!!!!

(at this point all the tap dancers, which never actually tapped at all, take off all of there cute little outfits, undo their hair only to reveal that they all look like crazy rockers from the band KISS. They begin to run around on stage, head banging and throwing things while singing)

In unison : gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here, gotta get outta here (this repeats 54 more times)
Tap dancer in leather pants comes direct center downstage and points down to the audience. : so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?!?
(everyone stops for a brief moment and looks at the audience): stone me
(back to dancing)
tap dancer in black spandex leotard: so you think you can love me a leave me to dieoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOBAby, can’t do this to me baby
both leather and span: just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of heeeeeeere
fat Mexican bass comes down stage right and begins his __ sets of : “bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum”
unison: woooooooo
Skinny: brrm brrm brrm brrm, brrrrm brrrrm brrrrrm brrrr brrrrrrrm
Unison: oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. Ah ahh, ahhh.
Normal guy tap dancer that freakishly resembles corey matthews from that one Disney show comes downstage: nothing really matters, anyone can see, nothing really matters
5 tap dancers make a half circle behind him and lean over his shoulders as the sing in harmony:nothing really matters
corey matthews tap dancer: to me
cannon with four tap dancers: tap dancer four: just as if it doesn’t really matter
tap dancer 3: just as if it doesn’t really matter
tap dancer 2: just as if it doesn’t really matter (harmonized ooo’s in the background)
tap dancer 1: just as if it doesn’t really matter
(all tap dancers now in a line, arms around each other, swaying back and forth)
squeky tap dancers: brrhm brrhm brhmm
leave it all behind and face the truth and go on just as if it doesn’t really matter anymoooorrree (on this last word, everyone joins in in harmony. Fat Mexican hits deep bass note on a bmmm.)"


...
...
...
I don't even know what to say. Welcome to the life of the ever so young and 'creative' me.

only with laughter can we win

So, Rosie Thomas is a new discovery, but to me...it feels as though we've been dear friends since childhood and just...went to camp or something and have now been reunited. A simple absence and one that is easily repaired.

'If you hold her back, she may never know...'

To rekindle things of the heart is a feeling that is almost indescribable. Recently, there have been many things that have been rekindled as well as even growth. It's as if there was once this beautiful rope that was laid before me, untangled, untouched...only to climb. Simple enough. Then through the days, months, years-knots. Knots were almost magically added to this rope that were thought to be used as stepping stones...but over time this beautiful rope became so tangled and weaved together that there was no clear sign of which direction it should be placed to climb... The form of the rope was still there, but there were so many stepping stones, it wasn't clear where they might lead.
'This one!'
'...Maybe this.'
'...No. This one!?'
'Obviously, all past experiences and passions in life point to the circus. Living on the edge for sure...'


I hate to be that person at this point in her life that answers the question 'I don't really know, there are a few options but I haven't decided yet...' When asked 'So what do you want to do when you graduate'. The fact is known and clear in my mind that it is fine to answer with just that, 'I don't really know'. The thing of it is, I feel that...well, I don't really know what I feel. The abundant itching to fill my mind and grow in whatever ways are presented to me is definitely the strongest feeling that has absorbed my life at this point in time...but the problem still remains of, where do I seek it? Is that place here? Is it the precise knowledge that I seek? Do I need to venture to something else to learn? For now...my place is here. As it is told in the children's version of Leo Tolstoy's 'The Three Questions', our time is best spent where we are currently standing and with the people who are currently around us. Though my heart yearns for this place and at the same time, to leave this place...Until then, I will laugh with this silly thing called life instead of cry with that good friend nostalgia all the while, continuing to untangle that knotted rope; with each unbraid, I have come to find, that to understand why it is there and how it has brought me here, I must first step back and be vulnerable to the fact that it's ok to climb a rope that I can't see the ending to.
...Hello, Jack and the Beanstock...he turned out fine.


It is a process.
This, I whole heartidly understand.

'If you hold her back, she may never know...'

ninty six hours spent. twenty four left. yes.

Shall we call this a lesson learned?
What feels like six thousands stones hanging down
swaying to clear the way for yet another door to be
swung so high, yet convinced that the day is done.





"If nothing else, I can dream-I can dream, I'll never tell what I see, what I see...I can plan, I can see what's right in front of me..."



tgialmostf.