I'll say it. I love kitchens. All of them. If I could live in a houseful of kitchens, I think I would. They're interesting, unique and outdated or not-most of the time (if the owners care about it) they fit the personalities of those who dwell there. I have a dream of the perfect kitchen. White washed with restored wood. Just enough counter space to cook and bake yummy things and natural light that even mother earth would say 'woooow'. Wood floors. Wood floors with a deep double porcelain sink. Dreams. If I could combine my kitchen it would have various elements these fine features.
Through struggle we often find relief somewhere towards the end of it all. At least we hope to. This move has opened my eyes to a lot of things. A lot of things. It has also made it difficult for me to discover and enjoy the simplicity of life as I so easily have done before. The transitions I have gone through of one phase of life to the next have started to blur the lines of what I want and need while leaving me feeling as if I jumped off of a running horse expecting to land gracefully. Life doesn't happen that way though. I didn't really think it through that by picking up my entire life and moving across the country...it might just change who I am and what I want out of life. I just thought it would be a fun time of traveling-like an extended spring break. Nope. Go figure.
It's only been three weeks. Yes, at times it's been hard-I'm a homebody, so it's natural. My community isn't within arms reach when I need them (which I have recently). However, I'm also really starting to realize that I'm stronger than I thought. I'm more independent than I ever thought possible. I'm beginning to see the world with not a different set of eyes, but with a new perspective. What that perspective is yet, I don't quite know. I'm waiting on that one. With the flip side of discovering those, I have also been so consumed with settling in and so focused on finding my niche that I have shortly lost a sense of who I am. I've lost sight of the calmness that a day can have and the abundance of goodness and grace that can happen within it. All stemming from one place. So, now that I have written a sappy little 'love life to the fullest' booklet...I'm going to try and live it out as such. I've talked about having a 'foundation' to work from for years. Now it's time to put it into action. So far so good. Just a little of balance at the moment.
... re: the post that never happened ...
It's been said that it's hard to move on when you don't know where you from. It is also true that it is hard to move on when you do indeed know where you're from. I leave Kansas in three weeks. Roughly 20 days really. It hasn't truly hit me yet that I am moving. Kansas has been my home and who I am for the last 23 years. So, it's hard to see myself anywhere else...let alone North Carolina. Instead of finishing homework and studying for finals so that I can first graduate then move, I took the morning to drive around to places where I've called home for the last five years. The Pierre house. Elaine street. The little grill. The konza. My studio. Top of the world. Pillsbury. Manhattan hill. Finishing the trip with the long stretch of Manhattan rd leading out to nowhere. Here, I sat by the abondoned limestone house and railroad crossing where I feel at home, at peace, where I feel like no one in the world could see or hear my thoughts...then a truck drove by and asked if I was ok. Talk about feeling silly. After that, I got back in my car and realized I should not waste gas since I'm broke and save the the miles on my car considering it has to last me two trips to the East Coast and back. Life isn't always as hard as we think it might be. It's pretty simple sometimes with a lot of goodness, tears and smiles in there.
Riding that hope is sometimes like catching a train. This winter has been just such an adventure. Snow and ice one day, followed by the sun but not without our little town being covered with ice not but four days later. It's a vicious nasty cycle that has to happen...a snow globe cycle. It's true, I said it-we, as Kansans, live in a snow globe. We finally settle with only a little time to gather our thoughts then we're shaken up again.
Thus...
...March first should be considered a holiday. I say this because it's not yet spring, but we're roughly 87% in the clear from winter. Hearts are hopeful, minds are on spring break, tulips start to sprout, jorts slowly inch their way out of the closet and happiness is in the air just a little more than it was before. So, I say it again...March 1 should be a holiday. Today I sent text messages, tweets and spoke to those in passing about March first and I truly realize how silly and completely awkward this might be...but to me, what's silly about being happy that the sun is up, the sky is blue and spring is just around the corner?
Spread that love of springtime. We live in Kansas...or at least I do. If ever a hope for that snow to melt and the ice to go where the sun always shines, then bring-it-on in full force.
Some new. Some old. All with an air of spring in them. The start of a spring mix:
Quite frankly, my blog sucks. I realize that no one reads it and I'm sadly ok with that.
Others:
Sad Little Man. A few years back Chicago's greatest improv troupe of all time came to perform for the conservative town of Manhattan. They did an amazing job of kindly loving us for our flaws along with everything else-after all, we're all human. Through the many hilarious bits and gags, I distinctly remember one song they sang for us. It's title: "No one reads your blog". This story through song took us into the every detail of this mans life and the importance he thought was behind that. More so, the inevitable fact that, indeed, no one cared. No one read his blog about: sadness.
Speech and Debate. Within this play there is a rousing young girl named Diwata. As most prepubesent teenagers are, Diwata enjoys more than anything to display her life via WebBlog. Though, this causes a huge disturbance within her life (amongst other issues) this blog is her outlet, her way of expression. No matter who watches, she is more than willing to tell the world what she thinks: angry issues.
Fashion. Then there are the blogs about what everyone in Europe is wearing. The latest fashions, the rags to riches of glamorous lines, ways to look expensively like a hobo but caring all the while. Simple tips and tricks to look stylin' with the best of em. Secretly, I love to hate them because no matter how simple the looks are...money is money and lack there of I have. Yet, I read them daily: Fashion.
Music. ... " "...
Sex and the City. Let's face it. Women in the world today have this idealogic perseption of New York City living because of the plots played out in this series. In some capacities, not real. In others, absolutely. The dreamy talk of romance for shoes and men is all the rage scattered across the opinion column of Carrie Bradshaw: Love.
Everyone who views any of these opinions/views has some interest to take note of what the authors have to say. As for my blog...I don't really even have a strong opinion about half of the things I write about. Truthfully, somedays I write just to write. Maybe it's because I've lost my pen and pad of paper for the day...who knows. It's much more difficult for me to write about my life or topics from life rather than writing monologues, scenes or pieces of prose. Completely different ball game. It's different, so I'm trying. I've been trying, and have been failing. SO, upping the ante...blogs are dying, let's make them interesting again.
Long story short. I should write with more purpose. I should write with more gumption. I should write what I want. I should write because I care. I should write, because anyone could see it...but also because no one reads my blog.
I was following the... I was following the... I was following the...the something. I don't know what.
Looking around my room, I'm slowly realizing how much CRAP I have. Really, 97.3% of the things I own are crap. All of it: My journals, the furniture we've redone, the pictures, dare I even say the antique books I that adore more than my own dog. Though, the remaining 2.7% of things are of extreme importance. I assure you: Clean underwear, new shoes, my collection of buttons from the past five years...if lost, these would pull at my heartstrings forever.
Life is difficult to get through. It's a process and it's discipline of acknowlegment.
'Freeing the Natual Voice' by Kristin Linklater discusses, through various exercises, how to help acknowledge and then encourage the body to free the natural voice that is sometimes stiffled by life and its interworkings. Within us all, there is human expression. Within us all, there is blocked human expression. This is brought about by action/reaction. Then, the physical voice is stimulated. With the voice, there is articulation, vibration and resonance...What we feel.
What I've discovered is that the blocks are often completely invisible. For me, I never realized how many emotional blocks from my 'natural voice' there were until taking a thorough scan of my body for weeks trying to find out what I feel, what works, what doesn't-what's important. I don't know what caused them, but these are there. Now knowing this, now knowing that I can't physically feel vibrations in parts of my body because of this tension, I feel as though there is a completely different person that I've never discovered. All of a sudden, my buttons don't matter. My books don't matter. My shoes are shabby and absolutely none of these things can help aid me in filling that void.
Luckily, I am aware of this, and luckily I purchased the book to help instruct me how to fix them. What an actor am I...buying books.
What if I hadn't of taken the time to figure out within me what is important? What works, what doesn't? I'm moving in a few months...to where, I don't know yet. Somewhere exciting I hope. Somewhere that I can fully expereince everything for all it's worth-all it's vibrations and places of resonance that it has to offer (that was really corny, just go with it). Really though, I've been in this town for five years and I still feel that there is so much to experience...but it's time to move on. It's time to leave this crap I sometimes think is important behind. Clean underwear and all.
So here's to the natural parts of life. To the real, the honest, the scared, the good, and the blocked. Taking it for what it is...I'm peacing outta this town.
Applied for graduation. Halfway planned a graduation party. Sending out applications, resumes and cover letters within the next week or so.
Often, as humans, we feel nostalgic. Sometimes it's an ok thing to hold onto memories...other times, it's detrimental to who we are as a person or who we are trying to allow ourselves to be. "Go get lost, where no one can be found...Say your goodbyes but-darlin-if you please, don't go without me..."
For me...I'm sitting in the same place and I'm completely fine with it. Mentally and in terms of experience I've grown more than I ever thought I would over the past five years, but my dreams are still there, who I am as a person is still there...and my heart is still moving steadfast forward and outward. My memories and nostalgic feelings are still with me as well...but with excitement. Most of the things that I have with me that won't go away are happenstances within the last five years that were brought about by excitement and fruitful curiosity that fueled who I was as a person. And you know what...that excitement is still with me...and it's not going anywhere. "Miles and miles in my bare feet, Ain't going back to Barton Hollow..."
I'm gonna pack up my new The Civil Wars cd and peace outta town soon...bare foot and all...I can't wait.
This weekend I am excited. Why? Because I've made three decisions, of what I think, to be very valuable.
1-Going home for a dinner day with my dad. 2-Coming back for a pumpkin date with my friends. 3-Spending as much time outside as possible.
Family is interesting. I consider those as members of my family in many capacities. I know that a lot of people do, but it's kind of funny (in a comforting way) to sit down and really think about it.
Related and extended family members have known you since birth. They've been there for literally everything, up until you decided to leave or choose specific things to not share with them.
Family friends have been there for you since about birth as well, usually close friends of the parents. Still, there for just about everything, or everything that parents feel the need to share with them over weekly phone conversations.
Then there are your friends that you yourself have accumulated throughout your life. The friends that you've been lucky enough to have placed delicately or abruptly in specific places at just the right time. I feel truly blessed to have my family members so close to me in my life as well as close family friends, but my friends whom I consider family I truly feel blessed to have. These are the ones who I feel help me search to be more connected with the world outside of my related family. These are also the friends who I am lucky enough to have such a bond with; that they are my family when life has started to move in different directions. These are the people who become more and more connected to me each and every day and I with them.
These are the friends who see me the way they do...the friends I can carve pumpkins with as well as listen to funny music with. There's nothing really to this post except that I'm sitting here thinking how much I really love and adore everyone in my life. I have good people. Good people have me. We all have good people. People are good.
It's been quite some time since I have had a Wednesday night free to myself. It's been quite some time since I've updated this blog. After not being able to do things for yourself in a period of time, it's interesting the things you fall back into routine with and the things you leave by the wayside.
-yoga class, check. -radinas music night, iffy, but check. -midnight mimosa, check (soon to be). -catching up on cutey fashion blogs, check. -not saying a word to anyone...super check.
My freshman year, I was obsessed with Brandi Carlile's song 'The Story' . Listening to it then had an entirely different meaning. I don't really know what it was though...just excitement with school I suppose. The old wearing off and the new setting in as a fact. I discovered this song around this time of year when the leaves were just starting to fall and the summer heat was just starting to cool. I started listening to this song when I was trying to figure out my life (because as a freshman, I thought that's what the cool kids did; drink coffee and think about life with music softly singing in the background).
Now, sitting here listening to a cover of this song trying to still figure out my life, it has an entirely different meaning. I don't really know what this meaning is either-except plain ol' nostalgia. I remember trying to dance to this song studying for finals in the study room down the hall in my dorm. I remember the boy who I thought would be the love of my life. I remember the chai latte sitting on my desk. I remember missing home but loving college. I remember looking out of the dorms onto the Strong complex wondering what college was like for my grandparents who met inside of those limestone walls. I wondered what college would be like from here on out. I remember thinking something along the lines of 'this is so cool'.
Oh geez...life is still pretty cliche and corny. Not much as changed (but that's kind of a lie because a lot has changed). Life is still busy. Life is still changing. Life is still crazy. Life is still abundant. And life is still a place of excitement and bewilderment; constantly searching, constantly waiting. The thing is, the song is still the same. Just a little different because of the artist. I'm sitting here looking back on the last four and a half/five years or so thinking about everything that's happened...because a lot has happened...but the thing is...it's already happened. I spent so much time looking forward to the future that I missed a lot. Thank goodness for memories so that I can look back now and see them. However, now I spend an awful lot of time looking at the past. 1-I don't really have that spark of excitement for the future because life is moving so fast I miss the little things that I care for so much and 2-I am just a nostalgic person... A lot has changed, but that's life. It will change. I feel I'm much less naive about things now...like instead of paying full price for a chai latte, just order the tea and pour your own skim, honey and sugar into it at the counter. A little different, but still the same.
I feel like such an old woman right now. An old crazy soul I suppose. I'm looking forward to this year a little more now that I've had this night to recharge and listen to some covers and go back to the places I once did 'year's' ago. I am a little more excited and a little less focused on the here and there. I am a little more centered and slowly inching towards being present. Maybe I'll see my future in the bottom of this to go cup...? eh?
word [wurd]
–noun
1. a unit of language, consisting of one or more spoken SOUNDS or their written
representation, that functions as a principal carrier of MEANING.
2. speech or talk: to express one's EMOTION in words; Words mean little when
action is called for.
3. the text or lyrics of a song as distinguished from the MUSIC.
4. (initial capital letter) Also called the Word, the Word of GOD.
